- Coach? - Yes, Frank.
- Where do I go? - Proceed to the hub.
Got ya.
How will I know who he is?
This is him.
Hi. Oh.
So... Sorry. Fork. - Amy.
Oh, no. Me name's not fork. - Yeah, I guessed. It was just...
Oh, it's... It's Frank.
Uh, do you wanna sit? Shall we sit?
- Think it's that or stand. - Yeah. Come... Come sit, yeah.
Oh, oh, that's, um... I was on that side.
- Oh shall I...? - Oh no, no.
No. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
Why bring it up?
Sorry, I'm... I'm so bloody nervous. It's...
It's my first time on the, you know... With the... The system.
Me too.
Oh really? - Yeah, I'm shitting it, mate.
Come to mention it, you do look terrified. - Do I?
Yeah, you're quaking with fear.
Or maybe shaking with revulsion?
At least you've stopped shitting.
Are you sure about that?
Shall we stop talking about shitting? - Yeah, maybe order some food?
- Mm. Yeah. - Yeah. Good plan.
OK. - Do you know how we order?
I think we use these. - Oh.
Menu choice already established.
- There you are, sir. - Oh. Ta.
And for you, madam.
Well, evidently, I'm a pasta girl. - Yeah. I'm a, uh...
Fishcake...
Mm.
- Mm. - It's good.
Mm. Can I try some?
Are we allowed to do that?
Fuck it.
Yeah, fuck it.
- Mm, that is good. - Mm.
So...
- We're both first timers. - Mm.
Shall we check our expiry date? - Yeah. Good plan
Yeah?
Alright, um, so I think it's under "Info".
Yeah. Uh, tap to reveal.
We have to tap to reveal at the same time.
OK, so, on three...
two, one. Go.
12 hours.
Yeah, 12 hours.
OK.
A bit, um... - Yeah.
A bit short. - It is a bit short. Isn't it?
- Mm. - Oh, and getting shorter.
I didn't realise it would sort of count down like that.
It's sort of sad.
Well, maybe we should eat quickly.
Yeah. Yeah, maybe we should.
The race is on.
Come on, hurry up.
- Well, guess this is us. - And this takes us to the place?
Yeah, I suppose so.
- After you. - Thank you.
Oh, that's massive.
- Here we are. - Yep.
Huh.
Do you wanna open it or shall I?
- Go ahead. - Alright.
Ha. Too slow.
You're a knob.
Oh, God. It's a shithole.
You're kidding?! - I am, yeah.
Ooh.
It's nice.
I, uh, like that lamp.
Yeah, it's incredible, that lamp. - Fuck off.
♪ Dalia ♪
♪ This girl's gonna move you... ♪
- Hm. - Right.
That's, uh...
There's an en suite.
Shower or bath? - Both.
Ah, that's good.
Uh, well I'm... I'm just gonna use the loo.
Oh yeah, I've gotta, uh... Over here, so...
Yeah.
OK, seriously, what are we meant to do?
Query too broad, please narrow.
Well, I mean, are we just meant to... I don't know, like, just go at it?
Define "go at it".
Oh, fucking hell.
So, are we meant to just have sex with each other?
Participants are not required to take any specific action.
Yeah, but I mean, we can, right?
I mean, people do, if it's just a short time?
If that's your decision.
- It's up to us? - It's up to you.
I could just sleep here.
Don't be daft. You'll be scrunched up in a ball.
It's not awful.
The bed's pretty big. I'm sure we could both fit in it.
Yeah. OK.
Must've been mental before the system.
How do you mean?
Well, people had to do the whole relationship thing themselves
work out who they wanna be with.
Hm. Option paralysis.
So many choices, you end up not knowing which one you want.
Yeah. Exactly.
And if things seem shitty
they'd have to figure out
whether they wanted to break up with someone.
How to break up with someone. Fucking hell.
It's a nightmare.
Yeah, it's not that when it's all mapped out.
God no.
It's so much simpler when it's all mapped out.
Mm.
This is weird though. - It really is.
Well, then. - So...
Thanks for being my first.
Oh.
Bloody time.
It was great, you know. You... You were... nice.
So are you.
If we had this time again, you would totally get it, by the way.
Oh, you... You bastard. - Sorry.
You... You'd get it too. - Fucked that one up, didn't we?
Yeah, totally.
I guess I just don't see the point in something that short, like 12 hours.
Even your reaction to a brief encounter
provides the system with valuable information.
Yeah, well, I didn't even do anything. The system thinks I'm a prude.
The system makes no moral judgements.
Yeah, but how do I know she wasn't the perfect match for me?
I mean, she was...
Your ultimate compatible other has not yet been selected.
Yeah, I know but it's...
The system gains insight as each participant progresses
through numerous relationships and uses the gathered data
to eventually select an ultimate compatible other.
On your pairing day, I know.
And it always finds your perfect match.
In 99.8% of cases.
But I have to go through loads of relationships to find it.
- That is correct. - Great.
- What was that? - Another relationship.
What? Already?
- What's this, another one? - That is correct.
Best go get changed then.
Holy fuck. Tell me that's him.
I cannot confirm identity until a personal introduction is made.
Hi. - Hi.
Identity confirmed.
I like your hair. - Yours is good too.
It's all my own.
It's just funny.
Hi.
I'm Frank.
Mm, Nicola.
I've been here a while. - Oh yeah, sorry.
I was getting changed.
Really? - Started already?
I was hungry.
Ah, yeah, course, yeah. Sorry.
Come on, let's get it over with, checking the expiry.
Ah, yeah, yeah.
One year.
We've got each other for one year.
Could be a mistake.
- Uh, Coach, is this a mistake? - This is not a mistake.
Jesus fucking Christ.
There'll be a reason.
Look on the bright side, chicken tikka masala.
What?
Chicken tikka mas...
It was a joke.
Right. So you're the sort of person that makes jokes.
OK, so on three...
Two, one.
Oh.
Interesting.
Nine months.
Well...
Cheers. - Cheers.
Pretty much the same as my last one.
How many of these have you had? - Relationships? So far?
Five.
I'm an old hand, I suppose.
Listen, I'm just gonna jump in the shower.
OK.
Won't be long.
- Hey. - Hi.
So listen, if you're OK with it, this is relationship five for me
and I've found it's best to have sex straightaway upfront.
Right. Yeah.
Kind of breaks the ice
gives an early overview of compatibility and so on.
Yep.
So I'm consenting to everything now
and whenever you feel comfortable with doing the same...
Tikka masala, just...
- What? - It's a bit tikka masala...
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Talking makes it worse.
It's rude.
No, no. You're gonna have to do it from behind.
- You what? - From behind.
Bit faster?
More motion.
Yeah, not like that. More motion.
You're all in-out, in-out
like you're trying to shut a drawer back into a filing cabinet.
- Sorry - It's just boring.
Want a bit more side to side.
Like this?
No, not really.
Aah
Aah.
What was that? - Nothing.
Hm.
Aah.
Fucking hell.
So I can't just walk away?
That is correct.
One day, it will provide you with the ultimate match.
One day.
So I'd just like to say
do have faith in the system because it does deliver.
It did for us.
You have so many experiences and then one day
it pairs you up with your ultimate match
the best in show, as it were.
So, if you're having doubts
just hang on in there.
Because it really does work.
Garlic dip?
Thanks for that.
Hi. Hi.
Mm, you alright?
Was that, uh, your...
Yeah. Nicola.
Oh, Nicola.
Mm.
You OK?
No, you're not being... Are you being serious?
Oh my God. OK, this is happening. OK, um, just...
Oh, thanks.
You look well. - Thanks.
I'd, uh... I'd return the compliment, but you just spat food on my shoe, so...
To be fair, it is a revolting shoe, so...
Ah, all the better to kick you with.
Is that really hard?
Ouch. - I'm so sorry. Fuck.
Shit.
Oh, oh, um...
Uh, Lenny this is, um, Frank. Frank, this is Lenny.
Hi Lenny, you alright? - Hi.
Uh, we were together for a... a bit.
A small... Small bit. - Yeah, just before we...
Oh, so you two...?
Ah, that's... That's great.
So, I mean... It looks like you two make a great, uh, team.
Aah.
Yeah.
- Yeah. - Um, I'll see you.
Yeah.
Aah.
You know that noise you make?
What noise?
Aah.
Do I do that? - Yeah. You do. Quite often.
Does it bother you?
A bit, yeah.
I'll try not to. - OK.
Aah!
So it's been great, really.
Shame it has to end.
But end it must.
Anyway.
OK, bye.
Another partner already?
That is correct.
So, three, two, one, go.
- Oh. - 36 hours.
Well, uh, bye. - Bye.
Bye.
Three, two, one...
Uh, I just wanna say. - Don't.
Well, I learnt what it's like to co-habit with someone I despise.
Is that useful for the system?
Everything happens for a reason.
That's sooner than I expected.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi.
Is this right?
- Yeah. - I mean...
Yeah, I didn't, uh...
Didn't think the system would hook us up again.
No, me neither.
I mean, I hope it's right, obviously, but...
Coach, are we sat at the right table?
Yes. That is correct.
OK. Well...
Wait, um, can we not check the expiry date?
Uh, why? - I'm just sick of it.
Like the system's just bounced me from bloke to bloke
like short fling after short fling.
And I know that they're short flings, so they're just meaningless.
And I get really detached. It's like I'm not really there.
Yeah, yeah.
OK, so, um, the other week, I was with this guy.
God knows who. He was basically just a haircut.
And I literally had this out of body experience
like I wandered out of my body and I sat in this chair across the room
and I just watched myself like fucking this guy.
I was like, what is that all about?
That is literally just a dick going in and out of a hole.
Yeah. That's pretty detached.
Well, it's like, when it's a long-term thing
it's just as bad, you know, It's like watching the clock
like you're a prisoner, counting the hours, counting the minutes.
- Oh God, I have been there. - Yeah.
Yeah, let's not check the expiry then.
Yeah.
It's a deal. - Deal.
Bring on les fishcake.
Dunno.
So.. - So...
Might as well.
I suppose we have to.
Don't know how much time we've got.
Yeah, it could be ten minutes.
Think you could last ten minutes?
Fuck off.
Right. OK, then.
Wait, one of us should get undressed first.
Why only one of us? - It'll be funny.
Alright, then. Get your kit off. - No. No, it was my idea.
Alright.
You know, this is kind of emasculating.
Well, then you better make up for it
in a minute.
I'm gonna see your dick.
Sorry.
- I'm gonna fucking see it. - Yeah, OK. Yeah.
What if there is no scrutiny?
It's just putting us together in any old order
and we all go along with it
cos they're always telling us how clever it is.
Yeah, but it does put people with the one.
It's got a 99.8% success rate.
But how do you know they're perfect matches?
I mean, what if all it's actually doing is gradually wearing us down.
Putting us in one relationship after another
for random durations in a random sequence.
Each time you get a little bit more pliable
a little bit more broken
until eventually it coughs up the final offering
and says that's the one.
And by that point, you are so defeated and so exhausted
that you just accept it. You settle.
And then, you have to live the rest of your life
convincing yourself you didn't.
Well done.
That's one of the bleakest things I've ever heard.
Thank you.
Right.
D'you wanna know my theory?
Let's assume the system isn't random, yeah?
It's as sophisticated as they say it is. - OK.
Right, so using these, it slurps up all your reactions, yeah?
It builds up a complex profile. - Mm-Hm.
Every crazy thought you've ever had, all your dreams and your weaknesses and...
And your mad theories.
- Yeah, like everything in your head. - Right.
Right, so if it's everything in your head
does it have thoughts?
Alright, so now you're gonna say
what if that's us and we're stuck in a simulation?
Well, how do we know?
I think that settles it.
But I might've been programmed to go, "Ow".
OK.
- Hey, come here. - No.
- Ow. - Sorry.
- Coach? - Hello Frank.
I've gotta know.
What would you like to know?
The expiry date for me and Amy.
I need to know how long.
What, you're not gonna talk me out of it?
Would you like me to talk you out of it?
Yeah. Uh... Uh, no. Dunno.
Nah, I'm not gonna do it. Said I wouldn't.
We shook on it.
Fuck it.
Recalibrating.
Coach?
- Coach? Coach, what's happening? - Recalibrating.
Coach, it's getting shorter.
One-sided observation has destabilised the expiry date.
What?
One side observation has de-stabilised the expiry date.
Recalibrating.
What? Cos I looked at it on my own, I made it shorter?
- That is correct. - Why?
Everything happens for a reason.
Alright, well undo it then. Make it go back.
I cannot do that.
Recalibrating.
What... What if she looks at it?
Once shortened, the expiry date cannot be extended.
- Why? - Everything happens for a reason.
- Come on! Come on! - Recalibrating.
When'll it stop?
It will stabilise once recalibration is completed.
No. Stop it.
Stop it. Just...
You OK?
Yeah, I'm fine.
- Alright. - I'm Good.
Have you ever had more than four or less than four?
What you thinking about?
Nothing.
Alright, seriously, what's up?
- I looked. - Looked at what?
We promised we wouldn't. We shook on it.
- Don't you want to know what it said? - No.
That was the point.
Well, it's almost done anyway. - How, almost done?
Got like an hour.
Why... Why didn't you tell me this before?
Didn't wanna spoil today.
Oh, and this hasn't spoilt it?
It was supposed to be five years
but now...
I looked at it.
Something happened. It started going down. I don't know what it was.
- So you broke it? - No.
No. No, no, no. I mean...
I don't... I don't know. - Why did you have to look at it?
Look, I was thinking maybe we can overcome it somehow.
Why did you have to look at it?
Because I like you.
Like properly, really. I like you and... - For fuck's sake.
What? And that wasn't enough?
No. Look, that's not the point.
Right, I looked, but that's not the issue here.
Are you sure about that?
What the fuck? You're more wound up about that than how short the time is.
Yes, because we had agreed.
Listen. Listen.
Listen. What if we just ignore it? - We can't.
No, Listen, we just... We just fuck the system.
Right? We'll fuck it... - What? And do what?
We'll jump out, over the wall, get out.
There is nothing out there. - How d'you...? How d'you know?
How'd you know?
Amy? - You've ruined this.
You've ruined it.
Hey, it's... It's nothing.
- Amy? - Don't follow me.
Amy, I'm sorry.
Amy.
Everything happens for a reason.
What reason?
The system will be assessing your reaction
to the painful premature termination of a treasured relationship
and will adjust and improve its profile of your eventual chosen one accordingly.
- You're a great comfort. - Thank you.
I swear to God, I feel like scaling the wall out there
and jumping in the fucking wilderness.
That would contravene the rules of the system.
Oh, the fucking system.
Failure to comply with the system may result in banishment.
Alright, I know.
Christ, will you let me angry, at least? Will you give me that?
You must vacate your current living quarters
when the time expires.
Like I didn't know.
And if I hadn't have looked, we'd have been together years.
She was...
You know, when you meet someone and you just know?
You just know that...
Reckon you could pop this in me now?
I sort of got jaw ache.
Yeah, come on.
And after all that, he never even apologised. Not once.
That's too bad.
Do you mind if I think about her?
If I can think about him?
Yeah, sound.
One, two, three, four.
Congratulations, Amy. Your ultimate match has been identified.
Your pairing day is tomorrow.
Ultimate, as in the one?
That is correct.
And we meet tomorrow?
That is correct.
Tomorrow you will be coupled with your ultimate match
and together, you will leave this place forever
OK.
Are you allowed to tell me anything about them?
Do I know them already?
Negative.
Right.
There is one more thing.
Yeah, what's that?
Prior to pairing day
you have been allocated a short farewell period
with an individual of your choosing.
What... A farewell period, like I get to say goodbye to someone?
That is correct.
Data shows this can help provide psychological closure.
Frank. I choose Frank.
Your choice has been registered.
Wait. Where are we meeting? Usual booth, 7:30pm.
Alright.
- Coach? - Yes, Amy?
Count to four.
One, two, three, four.
Wait. Wait.
How long we got?
Look. The system set my pairing day for tomorrow.
Yeah. Me too. - Right.
I don't want whoever the system reckons the one is, OK?
I want you. - I want you.
Failure to comply with the system may...
Ah, you can fuck off and all.
Can you remember where you were before you came here?
You can't, can you?
- No. - Me neither.
What? Why can't I think of that?
It's a test.
Do you... Do you remember the first night that we were together?
I mean, the first night, how did you feel?
I... I felt safe, happy, comfortable.
It... It felt like...
It felt like something locked into place, you know.
Like we'd met before.
Like it happened before, and like it'll happen again.
Like it's happened a thousand times over and over again.
Do you know what I mean? - Yeah. I... Yeah, I do.
Ever since we've met, this world has been toying with us.
It's trying to keep us apart.
It's... It's a test. I swear it is.
And the two of us rebelling together is something to do with passing it.
We gotta fuck it all off.
Exactly. We've just gotta fuck the whole thing off and go.
Yeah, over the wall.
Right over it, no matter what's out there.
OK.
So let's go.
Yeah. Yeah, let's go.
Come on.
♪ Burn down the disco ♪
♪ Hang the blessed DJ ♪
♪ Because the music that they constantly play ♪
♪ It says nothing to me about my life ♪
♪ Hang the blessed DJ ♪
♪ Because the music they constantly play ♪
♪ On the Leeds side streets that you slip down ♪
♪ The provincial towns you jog round ♪
♪ Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ ♪
♪ Hang the DJ, hang the DJ ♪
♪ Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ ♪
♪ Hang the DJ, hang the DJ ♪
♪ Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ ♪
♪ Hang the DJ, hang the DJ ♪
♪ Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ ♪
♪ Hang the DJ, hang the DJ ♪
♪ Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ ♪
♪ Hang the DJ, hang the DJ ♪
♪ Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ ♪
♪ Hang the DJ. ♪